The hypomania is long gone. I find myself back at square one: depression, my summer go-to. The severity varies day by day. Today is a good day. Sunday was not. Tomorrow, who knows.
I’m working with my therapist on coming up with more positive neural pathways when it comes to my depression. I have a tendency, I am told, to dwell within the “grey zone” between depression, psychosis, and OCD. In short, I have thoughts of hurting or killing myself that come out of nowhere, and I treat them as if they are law. Inevitable. All I can do is negotiate… i.e. maybe just mild self-harm this time. This is where my mind goes when I’m depressed, and as you can tell it’s dangerous as all hell. It’s Russian roulette, and I’m convinced I have to play.
What I’m working on now is challenging those thoughts. Maybe I don’t have to play the game. Developing insight, in other words. Today is a good day; insight comes easy. On bad days my insight is missing entirely: I am going to die, soon, and I need to hurt myself. If I can create pathways in my mind towards thinking – no, I don’t have to play – then I’ve acquired a hugely important coping skill. Maybe then I can navigate the grey zone with clearer vision.